A feeling of loss...

Tonight I was supposed to go out dancing, but I have a cold that makes me feel really crappy, so I decided to stay in and rest. As a result of my lack of dancing, I decided to watch a bunch of dance videos. I came upon my favorite guy to watch, Todd Yannacone, with his usual partner Naomi Uyuma. While I was watching them, I realized that I had lost something that they had. My favorite dance partner.

I know swing is a social dance, and I'm really good with that aspect, but no matter what, there's always going to be that one person with whom you have that awesome connection and with whom you wish you were dancing. It's almost like "you'll never forget your first love," but for me it's "you'll never forget your favorite dance partner" (although both of those happen to be one in the same haha). I never felt self-conscious when dancing with him, and I always felt like we could learn from each other. Whenever we were in a situation where we were performing, right as we took each others hands, the nerves went away.

I've found that I've lost a little bit of my passion for the dance because I let myself get too comfortable with one dance partner. Every now and then at a dance I'll be hoping he'll walk through that door and give me a great swingout like I'm used to. Since he never shows up at those dances (it's not really possible), I never feel quite as fulfilled with my nights of dancing like I used to.

What makes me feel better, though, is the fact that he feels the same. I texted him to let him know that they were playing "Moondance" at an Indian's game earlier this summer and he said that's when he realized that he wouldn't have me around all of the time for a good lindy and it made him kind of sad.

I know that I won't get to see him very often, a few times a year at most, but he and I both know that right when he arrives, I'll be ready to go right into a swingout and we'll dance just like we used to. Until then, I'm just going to keep working on my lindy and finding new people to dance with. Who knows, perhaps I'll even convert a new boy to lindy :)

I'm the only one who knows my feelings.

I'm tired of people trying to tell me how I feel. It's happening more often than not lately and it bugs me. During the school year, people kept trying to tell me that I wasn't over Gordon, when I was 100% sure that I had no feelings for him. Now, people are trying to tell me that I'm jealous because Alyse and Andrew have a thing now.

Number 1, I haven't liked Andrew since freshman year of high school, and that was barely a crush. Number 2, it's just odd that one of my best friends and my sister are hooking up. It's a new situation and of course it's going to be weird for me, but I AM NOT JEALOUS.

It just bugs me a lot. I miss my caring guys who just listen and give good feedback, Krasnor for example. I'm going to write him a letter since I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I'm also going to hang with Eric on Monday. He always makes me feel better.

Also, I'm having a phone call with Katie tomorrow. We haven't chatted/caught up on anything in a long time. It's long past due.

This is the end of my rant.

(You don't know how many pics of huge boobs I came upon after Googling "not jealous")

Growing Up

This summer has been full of realizations for me. I've realized that I don't want to live in my parents house forever. Yeah, it would be nice to live here during grad school, not having to pay for rent or food or anything, but also, it's a hassle. This summer I've been going out a lot, staying out till 1 or 2. My parents have work in the morning, and they (mostly my mom) claim that they can't sleep well without me being home. I understand this, but it just doesn't flow with what I'm doing right now.

My mom got all pissed last night and basically gave my sister and me a curfew of midnight on weekdays. This isn't going to work for me, especially next year when I'm in grad school, and freaking 21 years old. I'm not going to fight it, because it's a losing battle since it is my parents house, their rules. What I am going to do is plan, almost secretly, for the near future, after I graduate from Wooster.

I want to work a lot and save money so that I can possibly move into a house with friends after college. Andrew's looking into renting a house with a few of our friends, and if I can hold onto my VS job (plus start working part time), I'd be able to pay rent. This has become a more realistic goal for me because of all of the crap going on this summer with my "not being respectful of my mom's needing to sleep" etc.

It's going to be hard for me to save money because I barely get any hours at VS and at my school job. Also, car insurance eats up a lot of my money. Maybe I'll try to work out a budget, which is hard while living at college. I should probably pay off my AE credit card, and use it less often. I wanted to get a VS credit card, and I will when I'm 21, but for now I should stop spending as much there. I don't spend too too much there anyway.

My babysitting job is getting me good money, but I need to put more and more of it into savings, and not into my checking. Since I get paid a lot, I've been thinking about expensive things I can buy or spend it on. I don't need to be doing that. If I want to accomplish this, I need to keep my head level and just plan my ass off.

Hopefully this can become a reality for me. I'd love to live with the people who are in the potential house (all guys, of course lol), and I think it could really work out, as long as I'm working.

Here goes nothing.

Camping, and Camping Only

This weekend, all of us TNBP buddies went camping at Mosquito Lake. It was SO much fun. So many inside jokes popped up, like "Rippin and tearin, the wild women" and constant reminiscing of the happenings. It was a blast and I absolutely love those people.

I usually write out long lists of what happened, but I'm not really feeling it right now. Hopefully I'll get back here a little later to fill in more info.

Undying Affections

This summer if being filled with a lot of self-realizations. I can't decide if it's good or bad. We'll say good, just to be positive.

As you all know, I have a lot of guy friends. I love these guys with all of my heart, with undying affection. All I want from our friendship is for them to feel the same way towards me. If it seems to me like they aren't feeling the same way about me, I start to feel a little blue, or jealous if they're giving that affection/attention to other girls. I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before about Gordon, but I can't figure out a way to fix this with myself. I know these guys do love me, but it wouldn't hurt if they expressed that to me without my having to get it out of them. I know most guys don't usually express things like that anyway, but reassurance always feels good.



It's hard having affection for people who don't necessarily show it back. I just need to stop expecting so much, have faith in our friendship, and it should help.

I'm also having trouble with giving new guys the right image of myself. I think I'm starting to build up a false image for them, and I really just need to stop. I just need to chill out, stop caring so much, and let chill and flow take me over again.

Self Mutilation

I really need to stop biting my nails. It's almost become self mutilation.

I do it when I'm bored, or don't have something in my hands. It has become painful, debilitating, and it looks horrible.

I don't know how to remedy this, but right now I'm going to make a huge effort to stop. Maybe I can carry around a stress ball or hackey sack to keep my hands busy. Any other ideas?


Thanks, the end.

The start of the best summer

So, the summer has officially kicked off. The weather has gotten warmer, I got my first sunburn, and summer jobs have started. I've got 30 hours a week babysitting for two boys, plus my Victoria's Secret job. I'm really pumped for all of the hours I'm raking in. I do need to start balancing my checkbook much better though. I'll have to ask my mom for some expert advice about that.

Katie left for field school yesterday. I didn't get to say bye to her, but I know she'll have fun and keep me incredibly updated. I have been spending a lot of time with Andrew/at his house. Pong, bonfires, meeting new people, and we're planning on going camping in a few weeks :) I think I'm going to continue to spend most of my time with him. I'm excited!

I need to start looking up a Senior IS topic. I also just feel like reading or writing a lot, academically. Freelance, or research, I just feel like doing it.

I never really have too much to write. I'll probably end up writing more later, but I just felt like updating a little bit right now.

I can tell this summer is going to be one of the best!

The run down pt. 2

So, I kind of stopped writing the last post because I got bored/didn't feel like writing everything. I've been home for a little over a week now, and it's still storming. Kind of annoying because I want to get some color!

As far as activities go, I've mostly just been laying around all day while Alyse is at school. It's not really good for me, so I'm going to try to get up and do things. I've been to two Indian's games so far, and I've been going to TNBP, religiously of course. I started work this weekend, which was great. I'm already picking up a bunch of hours!

Joe and I went to graduation. It was a loooong time. It was cold and rainy that day, so the whole thing was in the gym. This meant really uncomfortable bleacher seats. I took pictures with all of my favorite seniors, and said final goodbyes to everyone. Also, we had to pack up a few things that were left at the house on accident. Since I left, I haven't talked to Gordon at all. I'm trying to set up a skype date, or just a phone call. I miss him and just want to see how he's doing. I have talked to Krasnor though! That was a fun conversation. I also just had a phonecall with Chris last night. I'm doing very well at keeping in touch :)

So, at our swing ball, I met yet another guy. His name is Mike and his roommate brought him to our dance. I was teaching him to dance, we got to talking, and we found out we both live in Parma. He ended up asking me for my number and I hung out with him the other night. It was a lot of fun. Hopefully we'll hang out a lot this summer, and maybe something will come of it.

That's about all for now, I'm going to go wait for Scotty to get here. I miss him!

The run down pt. 1

So, it's officially the end of my junior year of college, it's thunderstorming, and I'm at home. This year was full of ups and downs, but oddly enough, this week was only emotional for me in a few ways. A few odd ways.

Two days ago, it hit me, like really hit me, that Gordon was leaving. It hit me so quickly that I sat right down and wrote him a letter about how I felt at that exact moment. I cried a bit as I was writing it, but it wasn't too bad. I thought I had heard him leave earlier, so I took it upstairs to set on his desk. Surprise, there he was sitting at his desk. I handed it to him awkwardly and kind of just ran away. As I descended the stairs, the tears started to flow. I was alone downstairs and just cried for a bit, telling myself I was stupid and that I needed to stop. I later asked him if he had read it and he said he was glad that I had said everything I said, that he's lucky to have me, and that he's keeping that letter. I'm happy with where we are.

That night, I went to Carrie and Ellen's room to hang out with a few people. I was talking about sexiling or something with some friends, then starting missing Krasnor really badly. Out of nowhere, I just started sobbing about him! I mean all out sobbing (given, I was a bit tipsy), but still, sobbing! It had nothing to do with Gordon at all! Just Krasnor. I texted him and told him that I was really missing him at that moment and he asked if I wanted to Facebook chat. It was so sweet of him. I think that's why I miss him so much. Either way, my last few days were full of realization and missing. And crying. Lame.

Packing up the house sucked. I had to do a lot of it myself, and I know Katie feels bad, I don't blame her. But it was just hard. Zach helped a lot though. This whole storage process was just so stressful. I'm glad it's over with.

Swallow sadness....like a boss!

The end of this semester is really starting to suck. But I just re-found this picture, and it cheered me up a bit.Speaking of Starbucks, Sam (Gordon's girlfriend) wants to go there with me :) It will be fun, and I need a good ol' coffee date with a new face. Especially after this week.

Things that made this week suck:
1. Michael Krasnor left this afternoon. He's transferring to Annapolis, the naval academy. I only really started hanging out with him this year, mostly this semester, and he already means a lot to me. It was really lame because I actually teared up the day that we ate our last lunch together. I felt depressed and just down that afternoon. I know, I'm lame, but my friends mean a lot to me, and I had been dreading that day for months. I won't go on and on, but I'm just going to miss him a lot, all of the silly things that revolve around him, and his caring personality.

I didn't have a picture with him, so he told me to photoshop one. I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not, so I did it anyway. Not creepy.

2. I completely bombed my math test. I was hoping to get a better GPA this semester, and it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I'm hoping my teacher will give me a chance for extra credit. That would be nice.

3. I didn't get to see my Lincoln Way kid on our final day. He's ALWAYS there, and yesterday he wasn't. I was a little sad.

Things that made this week bearable:
1. The Showcase was AWESOME! Everything went well, even though it was a little bit stressful, we achieved all of our goals and everyone who came loved it!

2. Super duper job security. Victoria's Secret called me yesterday to ask if I was coming back this summer. Hell yes I am! So now I'll have 30 hours a week babysitting, plus whatever I get at VS. I'm glad that I'll actually have a good income this summer.

3. Let's Dance got an offer from a middle school phys ed. teacher to go and teach her students to swing dance. It's really good for us, the school, and it will be a new experience. I'm really excited to do it.

4. No classes today. Royal wedding. Period.

5. Added 4/30- John McGovern surprised us by coming to visit this weekend! My week has improved by 12 million.

Hopefully I'll start getting more positive again. Even though all of these good things are happening, my mind is just being blue. It's time to actually get my homework going. It's final project time. Hooray. Not.

A bone to pick.

As you all know, I am NOT a stressed person. This week I have been more stressed, and all around bothered, than ever. I don't like it one bit.



First off, our showcase is this coming Tuesday. I'd say we're pretty ready, but this weekend is going to be our make-it-or-break-it time. Candyman has turned out pretty well and I'm really happy with it. I have a little bit to shine up, but otherwise I'm confident we'll do well. The only problem is that Gordon's going home with his girlfriend this weekend for Easter. The moment he told me this, my heart sank because I started to worry that we wouldn't be ready. Not that the whole showcase relies on him, but he's the president, he has a huge part, and he should be here. I understand why he would want to go home with Sam. He's only got so much time with her, he wants to meet her parents, and what's not to like about her. I mean, I wouldn't have picked anyone else for him. But really, priorities. I told him that I wouldn't bug him about it anymore, and no matter how angry or bothered at him I seemed, I still love him, and it's true. I just want everything to go well. We're down to the wire.

Another dancing thing that I added to my plate was the Wooster Jam Session. It's basically a two day extravaganza where we get to show off. Let's Dance is performing for an hour and we're most likely going to spotlight all of the dances we know, then teach a lesson. I need to finish figuring out who's going and put together a medley song that we can dance to. I'm excited for it to be over so I can just focus on the showcase, and that will be one thing checked off of my list. I'm also excited to show the community what we do. I also hope a lot of people show up, I don't want to have like seven people, two of them leads. This is also the weekend that Gordon will be gone. My favorite dance partner :(

The CSD department hosted a grad-school meeting for us rising seniors. It freaked me out a little because I don't think my GPA is that good, so I'm afraid I won't get into any of the schools that I want to. I'm not sure if I'll be able to hop my GPA up .3 this semester to get a 3.0....

The final thing, the straw that breaks the camels back, is my clinic adviser. My clinic partner and I had to write a rough draft progress report for our client. We wrote one, both writing different parts of it, and we thought it was pretty good. We turned it in and she sends us the edits. There are A MILLION OF THEM. "Okay," I think, I'll edit it and fix it. I go see her today and she wants to talk about it. She shows me the rubric with my grade of 54%. Based on the edits, I guess I understand, but the content in there seems pretty good enough to at least give me a solid 70%. Mind you, I'm not freaking out because this is a "rough draft," where the grades USUALLY don't count. I ask her how big of a chunk the rough draft will be of the final progress report grade, and she says it IS the grade. *Record scratch* WHAT?! The point of a draft is to be able to improve my work with her guidance. First she tried to say that I have "bad grammar and sentence structure." If you know who I am, you'll know I'm a grammar freak. All I do is critique grammar. I ask her for examples, she comes up with ones that my PARTNER wrote and I point this out to her. She then says that I should have edited better myself. I figured that at a college level, sentence grammar shouldn't be that big of a problem, but I don't know my clinic partner's writing style, so I guess it is a part my fault. I ask if when I edit it, if it would improve my grade, she says, "If I give you my own edits, then grade it, it's like I'm grading my own work..." Not in normal people world! My Jr. IS adviser gave me SO MANY EDITS, and I worked off of them. I didn't write hers word for word, and I wouldn't write yours either. She also told another student that it would not be a graded draft. She's always inconsistent when she tells us things. I refuse to get a bad grade on this, so I'm going to try to take it to the head of the department.

I just need a really good blues dance to make me feel beautiful and take me away from all of these dumb worries. DUMB worries.

Time to watch Community. Donald Glover instantly makes my days better. Ugh.

The loneliest feeling....

...is seeing your ex-boyfriend being happy with his new girlfriend. Holding hands, hugging, looking at each other that way, when you're left on your own, with no one.







I'm definitely ready for another boyfriend, but I don't want to "search" for him, because that's not really how it's supposed to go. I just feel like this extreme loneliness that I'm feeling right now will push me to it.



I had hoped I wouldn't get like this.

The usual...you know.

Hello blogging world! I've realized that this isn't a true blog. It's a diary blog! I think a true blog is one which people talk about things that are relevant to others. Almost every single thing in my blog is not relevant to anyone else but me. Oh well :)

I've been on spring break for the past week and a half, and it's been really nice! The first week I was on band tour and it was really fun. Tiring, but fun. We ended up in Chicago and the day that we were there was beautiful! I really enjoyed going to the art museum, walking around Millennium Park and the Magnificent Mile. The weather was beautiful, and I was sometimes able to take my coat off! We caught up with Lindsay which was nice. She took us out to a Romanian restaurant where there was supposed to be live jazz, but the dude ditched. It was still fun either way. Katie and Joe bought their first drinks, and we swing bombed the Hilton for the last half hour. It was a really fun experience, and much more relaxed than NYC, that's for sure.

This second week of break has been full of dancing, chilling, and homework. The first day, I brought Aaron home with me and we went to a small dance at BW. Nick was there and he said he missed seeing me. Suuuuuuure he does....haha. He probably does, just in a hoe-ish way. Then, on Saturday, we drove to Columbus to visit Sean for his birthday. It was a ton of fun! I really need to visit more often. It's just pretty far away. Kind of. I also haven't worked out in about 3 weeks. I'm probably going to die at Super Fit next week. Hopefully I can get back into shape really fast, so I can wear my sexy new bikini outside :)

I've been working on my homework and editing parts of Gordon's IS. I've actually been pretty productive! I'm also trying to work on some fiction and non-fiction for a writing contest being held by the English department. I was really getting into it last week, but this week I just don't have the flow and drive. I hope I'll be able to finish them. I'd love some cash and prizes if I won. I also pretty much finished my choreography. It's about time! I'm not too worried about my dance, but I just hope the showcase can come together.

The week before spring break, a few of us had an intervention with Gordon. We told him how he needed to get his priorities straight and such. I think he really listened, and it helped me to understand him a bit better. He's about to get into another relationship, and I'm pretty okay with it. I really like Sam and I'm very comfortable with both of them. I'm just afraid that he's going to completely forget about me and not spend time with me during these last few months that I'll probably ever see him again. Hopefully that won't be the case.

Boy-wise. Hmm...I'm really confused. I think I'm ready for another relationship, or to just be with one guy, but there are a few guys who have shown some sort of interest, and I'm really not sure what to do. I don't just want to whore around from guy to guy, that would really hurt everyone and just be a bad situation. I wouldn't mind flirting around with a few though....I just don't want people to be led on/get hurt. I've already almost done that with Chris. I'm going to just live the single and mingle life and see where it gets me. As a quote goes, that I posted on my Facebook, "The road to finding 'the one' is paved with a bit of promiscuity." I kind of feel like the bachelorette.

Oh, I made a Twitter. I gave in. It's not all that exciting, not gonna lie. But whatever. My name is @Lindy_Katie16 if you're interested.

Alright. I'm going to watch iCarly, and Community, then go to Andrew's for TNBP! Speaking of my dear Andrew, I went to a hockey game with him and a few of his friends on Tuesday. It was fun, and I'm really glad he invited me. I love being the only girl who goes, idk why haha. I also hung out with Nick and Tory yesterday. I miss them both, I never get to see them enough.

I think that's all for now. I never have anything to talk about, but I'm going to make the rest of this semester super fun, so watch out!

P.S. I bought the cutest dress for Bohemian! It's an all white eyelet and it's fitted and longer and a-line and I love it! I'm going to wear it all spring and summer haha.

Short, sweet, and a long time coming.

I figure it's about time that I write again. I'm bored, doing laundry, and trying to get some homework in before I go work out. Yes, you heard right, work out! I've been going to Super Fit aerobics weekly since I've gotten back to school. I've only missed a few classes. I can already see the results and I'm very happy and proud of myself. It's kind of addictive, not gonna lie.

This semester is going very well, or so I think. My work load isn't too bad, and I'm confident that I can get at least a 3.0 this semester *side note, my cursor keeps skipping to other places in the document and it's really pissing me off.* My Mondays are packed as hell. I don't get a break until I watch House at 8 pm. But a good thing about having all my classes MWF is that my TTH are pretty much free besides work. Speaking of work, I'm getting 8+ hours this semester. Yessssssss!

My clinic client is 4 years old and he's ADORABLE. He never wants to leave the session. He's got some pre-vocalic voicing, and can't say his /k/ or /g/. But he works really well and he just steals my heart. I'm excited that he's my final client. Ever!

Boys are interesting. I've been getting along very well with Gordon, which is great. My townie friend Chris has really shown some interest in me. He brought me flowers, chocolate, a poem, and a drawing for Valentine's day. It was really sweet, but I just don't want anything right now, and I don't know how to tell him that without hurting him. I've also been eating lunch with Adam and Krasnor, which has been awesome :) I really enjoy those guys. They're great.

On Valentine's Day, we had a "Sexy Single Ladies and Katie" dinner. It started out with Merry Kuween of Skots coming to our house to sing us "Enormous Penis," which was hilarious. We then made dinner which consisted of lobster tail, garlic mashed potatoes, and almond green beans. That lobster was DELICIOUS! We then proceeded to watch Penelope and make fun drinks. It was so much fun. We decided that in our house next year, we're going to have a monthly homemade dinner, where one person gets to be the head chef. It will be awesome.

Our house has been put together for next year, seeing as I just turned the paperwork in today. We'll have a group interview next week, so hopefully we'll get the house. I'm pumped for next year. There are 10 of us!

The other night, Aaron told me that I'm one of the best swing dancers that we have. Given, he was drunk, but this wasn't the first time he told me, and I was very flattered. It felt good to know how far I've come. Speaking of, I went to SparX a couple of weekends ago, and it was great :)

There probably is a lot more I could write, and I should probably write more often, so I'll try to do that. But actually.

CUTEST KITTY EVER!!!!

Tomorrow, I shall be rich.

I figured it's time I blog again. It's been quite a while and I feel like I just need to keep tabs with whats going on.

This break has been going fairly well. I've been getting a lot of hours in at work which is really good for my car insurance, but bad for my idea of how much I can put back into the company by buying bras ;) I really like my job, and I plan on holding it all through grad school!

My grades for this semester were okay. I passed Jr. IS with a B- and that's all I really care about! I didn't get the best grade in clinic, and I was a little discouraged because the teacher just isn't clear about what she expects. This semester I'm really really really going to try my hardest to study, put in at least 90% effort in every class, and spend time with everyone I care about.

I'm starting to finally get a grip on the single life. I'm losing that attachment to Gordon that I've had for the past semester, and I'm starting to feel more independent. I'm kind of looking for a new guy, but I'm not searching. I'm just hoping he's a dancer because that would be great. It's actually a quality that has become pretty important to me. I want to start going to jazz clubs or something and meet new people! Speaking of which, I went to visit my friend Tristan, in Columbus. Turns out, he's got a girlfriend, but he's great to talk to, and a really great (and tall) dancer :) I had a lot of fun with him. We went to a karaoke bar and watched old people sing really horribly. We danced there, and in his living room, and had an all out fun time. He's moving to South Carolina in June, so hopefully I'll get to see him a few more times before then.

Bron's coming to visit on Sunday! I'm really excited! I wanted to do some fun dancing or something, but there's none available, so we'll either hang out with BW friends, or just stay home and play my new Dicecapades game.

This break has been full of so many ups and downs and it's only been about 2 weeks. I just can't wait to get back to school and dancing. Sparx is coming up in February. I have to register for it still! I'm also choreographing Candyman right now, and let me say that it is ever so difficult to choreograph a lindy piece by oneself. I have some parts, but I still have a lot to cover. Let's just hope it comes together by the deadline.....

I thought I'd have more to talk about, but I don't. I really just spend a lot of time in my room watching tv. I need to get out more, and actually read the books that I got out from the library.

I didn't make any new years resolutions because they're always the same. "Stop biting my nails (which I kind of have)," " Eat better," "Stretch," "Do better in school." Yeah, it will all happen by itself, in good time. I just won't resolve to do so.

Oh, by the way. I'm going to win the Mega Millions tonight :)

Good morrow my children.