A feeling of loss...

Tonight I was supposed to go out dancing, but I have a cold that makes me feel really crappy, so I decided to stay in and rest. As a result of my lack of dancing, I decided to watch a bunch of dance videos. I came upon my favorite guy to watch, Todd Yannacone, with his usual partner Naomi Uyuma. While I was watching them, I realized that I had lost something that they had. My favorite dance partner.

I know swing is a social dance, and I'm really good with that aspect, but no matter what, there's always going to be that one person with whom you have that awesome connection and with whom you wish you were dancing. It's almost like "you'll never forget your first love," but for me it's "you'll never forget your favorite dance partner" (although both of those happen to be one in the same haha). I never felt self-conscious when dancing with him, and I always felt like we could learn from each other. Whenever we were in a situation where we were performing, right as we took each others hands, the nerves went away.

I've found that I've lost a little bit of my passion for the dance because I let myself get too comfortable with one dance partner. Every now and then at a dance I'll be hoping he'll walk through that door and give me a great swingout like I'm used to. Since he never shows up at those dances (it's not really possible), I never feel quite as fulfilled with my nights of dancing like I used to.

What makes me feel better, though, is the fact that he feels the same. I texted him to let him know that they were playing "Moondance" at an Indian's game earlier this summer and he said that's when he realized that he wouldn't have me around all of the time for a good lindy and it made him kind of sad.

I know that I won't get to see him very often, a few times a year at most, but he and I both know that right when he arrives, I'll be ready to go right into a swingout and we'll dance just like we used to. Until then, I'm just going to keep working on my lindy and finding new people to dance with. Who knows, perhaps I'll even convert a new boy to lindy :)

I'm the only one who knows my feelings.

I'm tired of people trying to tell me how I feel. It's happening more often than not lately and it bugs me. During the school year, people kept trying to tell me that I wasn't over Gordon, when I was 100% sure that I had no feelings for him. Now, people are trying to tell me that I'm jealous because Alyse and Andrew have a thing now.

Number 1, I haven't liked Andrew since freshman year of high school, and that was barely a crush. Number 2, it's just odd that one of my best friends and my sister are hooking up. It's a new situation and of course it's going to be weird for me, but I AM NOT JEALOUS.

It just bugs me a lot. I miss my caring guys who just listen and give good feedback, Krasnor for example. I'm going to write him a letter since I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I'm also going to hang with Eric on Monday. He always makes me feel better.

Also, I'm having a phone call with Katie tomorrow. We haven't chatted/caught up on anything in a long time. It's long past due.

This is the end of my rant.

(You don't know how many pics of huge boobs I came upon after Googling "not jealous")

Growing Up

This summer has been full of realizations for me. I've realized that I don't want to live in my parents house forever. Yeah, it would be nice to live here during grad school, not having to pay for rent or food or anything, but also, it's a hassle. This summer I've been going out a lot, staying out till 1 or 2. My parents have work in the morning, and they (mostly my mom) claim that they can't sleep well without me being home. I understand this, but it just doesn't flow with what I'm doing right now.

My mom got all pissed last night and basically gave my sister and me a curfew of midnight on weekdays. This isn't going to work for me, especially next year when I'm in grad school, and freaking 21 years old. I'm not going to fight it, because it's a losing battle since it is my parents house, their rules. What I am going to do is plan, almost secretly, for the near future, after I graduate from Wooster.

I want to work a lot and save money so that I can possibly move into a house with friends after college. Andrew's looking into renting a house with a few of our friends, and if I can hold onto my VS job (plus start working part time), I'd be able to pay rent. This has become a more realistic goal for me because of all of the crap going on this summer with my "not being respectful of my mom's needing to sleep" etc.

It's going to be hard for me to save money because I barely get any hours at VS and at my school job. Also, car insurance eats up a lot of my money. Maybe I'll try to work out a budget, which is hard while living at college. I should probably pay off my AE credit card, and use it less often. I wanted to get a VS credit card, and I will when I'm 21, but for now I should stop spending as much there. I don't spend too too much there anyway.

My babysitting job is getting me good money, but I need to put more and more of it into savings, and not into my checking. Since I get paid a lot, I've been thinking about expensive things I can buy or spend it on. I don't need to be doing that. If I want to accomplish this, I need to keep my head level and just plan my ass off.

Hopefully this can become a reality for me. I'd love to live with the people who are in the potential house (all guys, of course lol), and I think it could really work out, as long as I'm working.

Here goes nothing.

Camping, and Camping Only

This weekend, all of us TNBP buddies went camping at Mosquito Lake. It was SO much fun. So many inside jokes popped up, like "Rippin and tearin, the wild women" and constant reminiscing of the happenings. It was a blast and I absolutely love those people.

I usually write out long lists of what happened, but I'm not really feeling it right now. Hopefully I'll get back here a little later to fill in more info.

Undying Affections

This summer if being filled with a lot of self-realizations. I can't decide if it's good or bad. We'll say good, just to be positive.

As you all know, I have a lot of guy friends. I love these guys with all of my heart, with undying affection. All I want from our friendship is for them to feel the same way towards me. If it seems to me like they aren't feeling the same way about me, I start to feel a little blue, or jealous if they're giving that affection/attention to other girls. I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before about Gordon, but I can't figure out a way to fix this with myself. I know these guys do love me, but it wouldn't hurt if they expressed that to me without my having to get it out of them. I know most guys don't usually express things like that anyway, but reassurance always feels good.



It's hard having affection for people who don't necessarily show it back. I just need to stop expecting so much, have faith in our friendship, and it should help.

I'm also having trouble with giving new guys the right image of myself. I think I'm starting to build up a false image for them, and I really just need to stop. I just need to chill out, stop caring so much, and let chill and flow take me over again.

Self Mutilation

I really need to stop biting my nails. It's almost become self mutilation.

I do it when I'm bored, or don't have something in my hands. It has become painful, debilitating, and it looks horrible.

I don't know how to remedy this, but right now I'm going to make a huge effort to stop. Maybe I can carry around a stress ball or hackey sack to keep my hands busy. Any other ideas?


Thanks, the end.

The start of the best summer

So, the summer has officially kicked off. The weather has gotten warmer, I got my first sunburn, and summer jobs have started. I've got 30 hours a week babysitting for two boys, plus my Victoria's Secret job. I'm really pumped for all of the hours I'm raking in. I do need to start balancing my checkbook much better though. I'll have to ask my mom for some expert advice about that.

Katie left for field school yesterday. I didn't get to say bye to her, but I know she'll have fun and keep me incredibly updated. I have been spending a lot of time with Andrew/at his house. Pong, bonfires, meeting new people, and we're planning on going camping in a few weeks :) I think I'm going to continue to spend most of my time with him. I'm excited!

I need to start looking up a Senior IS topic. I also just feel like reading or writing a lot, academically. Freelance, or research, I just feel like doing it.

I never really have too much to write. I'll probably end up writing more later, but I just felt like updating a little bit right now.

I can tell this summer is going to be one of the best!